Jessica Ferguson

Author, Writing Coach, Speaker

CONTEST CRITIQUE: Read it and Learn!

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Earlier this year I entered the first 50 pages of a romantic suspense in a contest. I didn’t win or place, but I was given a critique by others who write and read mysteries. I got that critique back over the weekend and thought I’d share it with you. Before I received the following critique, I tweaked, changed the title, did a little revision and submitted the first chapter and a synopsis to Love Inspired Suspense. You can read their rejection at the end of this post.
 
Hopefully, you can learn something from the judges comments as well as the rejection. Mainly, how interesting it is that several people can read the same thing and come away with vastly different opinions.
 
For those of you who have never entered your manuscripts in contests, this is pretty much what you receive. Sometimes less. Read it and weep, or get your first chapter ready for a contest. One way or another, they can lead you to publication.
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Please note that, even among publishing professionals, preferences in style and content are subjective. These notes are only suggestions and reflect the opinions of the judges. We hope you’ll find them helpful.
 
Title: Death Makes it Right
Author: Jessica Ferguson
 
 Because the judges were divided, a third judge was asked to look at the manuscript.
 
Strong Beginning:
 The first two judges were divided on the opening.
 The first said: “This feels so rushed that I feel like it’s a synopsis of a longer novel.  The first section, we’re introduced to P.K., she threatens Sheridan, yells at a reporter, beats the crap out of his son, and finds out Sheridan’s been murdered.  This is five or six chapter’s worth, but it feels jammed into too tight a section.  Give me more detail, setting, everything.”
 The second said:  Immediately hooked with sensory and character details. Action begins immediately.
 The third said: This is an interesting setup, lots going on. It does seem a little rushed but is, overall, effective. It’s not clear why both P.K. and Randolph are here, especially in light of the receptionist’s immediate assumption that she’s a trucker. I think we need a little more information so we can understand why they are both in the same place at the same time. It seems intentional, but what does this have to do with her being a trucker? Watch POV. For example, when PK pulls her hair back in the opening scene, there are a few sentences about her flawless complexion and haunted appearance. We’ve been in PK’s head until now, and this takes the reader out of the story, since she can’t see herself (and even if she could, it’s unlikely she would think of herself that way).
 
Character:
 Judge 1: There’s no time to get to know P.K., so I have no idea whether I should believe that she’s innocent or guilty.  The reader needs to get to know your protagonist, have ideas about how she would react.
 Judge 2: Excellent job of presenting the characters: ” “His dark, penetrating eyes never failed to disconcert her. He had the air of a big, important man. He was quick, perceptive, and he was waiting for her to acknowledge him.” “His tick eyebrows were clipped and when he brushed a large hand across his face, she noticed his manicured nails.” “Her hair was a frizzed bob, giving her a wind-blown look, and her faded red blouse was belted loosely at the waist of her khaki pants. She wore too much make-up, too much jewelry and reeked of self-confidence.”
 Judge 3: Rudd and PK both seem like interesting characters. I was more drawn to Rudd than to PK. He seems well-intentioned and honorable, as well as likable. She has a bit of a chip on her shoulder. Maybe understandable since her dad was just murdered, so I’d give her the benefit of the doubt for a while longer. The reporter doesn’t seem very well fleshed out. The story would be stronger if she were depicted in more depth and complexity.
 
Setting:
 Judge 1: Where is this set? Why is it there? I get a sense of the hotel, but not the region, and as truck drivers, geography would be paramount for these characters.
 Judge 2: The sights and smells of New Orleans come to life. “P.K. Everett wrinkled her nose as the fishy smell assaulted her nostrils.” Great sentence. “The convoluted mixture of colognes and aftershaves mingled with the smell of crawfish.” The picture painted of his ransacked apartment was vivid.
 Judge 3: There hasn’t been much opportunity to experience the setting, other than the hotel. A few more strategically place, specific sensory details would help create a stronger sense of place. Also (not a criticism, just an observation), I associate New Orleans with good food, whereas a “fishy” smell connotes anything but. Was that intentional?
 
Dialogue:
 Judge 1: There was no difference between the way P.K. spoke and the way Lori spoke. Characters can best show their individuality through their dialogue, so take advantage of that and show their distinct personality.
Judge 2: The scene where Rudd barged in on P.J. and Lori was a good example of this authors command of dialogue.
 Judge 3: The dialogue was generally good. Could have been a bit crisper in places.
 
Plot:
Judge 1: I like the idea, but it was so rushed that I didn’t have time to appreciate any particular aspect.  I’m guessing you have some passing familiarity if not expertise with the trucking industry, so I would encourage you to incorporate more of that into the plot.  As it is, it’s fairly standard fare, and nothing about it really grabs my attention.
Judge 2: Started fast and continued to move. The scene where Rudd and PK embrace at the reporter’s apartment seemed contrived. Also, it was hard to imagine the protagonist allowing the reporter to follow her into her hotel room. Other than that the plot flowed well and worked.
Judge 3: An interesting premise. I’m interested to learn who killed PK’s dad and Randolph, interested in what will happen between Rudd and PK. (I can guess, but I’m still interested.)
 
Suspense/Tension:
Judge 1: Again, too rushed.  There’s no time for me to become apprehensive about something before you bull onto the next section.  Slow it down, let me wonder about things for a bit.
Judge 2: Building suspense and creating tension is one of this writer’s strengths.
Judge 3: Tension/suspense were handled well. In a few places, it might be heightened by slowing down a bit.
Conflicts:
 Judge 1: Give us more background early on about P.K. and why she’s so angry.  Her conflicts with others are coming across as petty and childish, primarily because we don’t have any backing.
Judge 2:  Plenty of conflict.
Judge 3: Plenty of conflict, which arises naturally from the situation. Telling us a little more about the situation would engage the reader more; we understand that she’s mad about her father’s murder, but it would help to know why she thinks Randolph is behind it. There’s plenty of information that can be legitimately withheld from the reader, but we need some of this background in order to understand what’s happening.
Pacing:
Judge 1: The rushed quality is absolutely burying the good aspects of this book.
Judge 2: For the most part the pace flows well. It bogs down a little after they leave the reporters house on their way to his apartment.
Judge 3: Generally good. A little rushed in the beginning, a little slow with reporter. I’m sure she’ll play an important role, but right now, it’s not clear what that is.
 
Voice/Writing style:
Judge 1: There’s definitely a passion in your writing about the topic.  I believe you genuinely are enthusiastic about the characters, and that shines through.  You have a streamlined writing style very similar to Elmore Leonard, and it’s excellent.  Work on pacing and plot, and your style will carry you far.
Judge 2: The voice was sharp and crisp. “His breath fanned her face.” “His eyelids were tortured by unshed tears.” “The oppressive humidity was like a blanket covering his face.” Sometimes things were overstated: “He acted dazed.” The reader can see that.
Judge 3: The voice is good, fresh but not intrusive.
 
Grammar & Mechanics:  THIS IS HUMILIATING! I KNOW HOW TO SPELL!
Judge 1: Generally fine. It should be “All right,” not “alright.” Also, watch your verb-noun agreement.
Judge 2: Some words are misused, but probably editing oversights: grown for groan; on for own Directional words (up, down, over, etc.), unneeded prepositions and words like “that” are overused. Also used adverbs when not needed: nervously looked,  A few missed punctuation marks (periods, commas) but overall, ok.
Judge 3: Generally good. Needs another pass for typos and tightening.
 
Additional Notes:
Judge 1: Rewrite this, and take your time with each section.  You have a strong voice and good writing style, but that’s being washed away with your rush to get to the next scene.
Judge 2: Could be a contender.
Judge 3: No additional notes.
 
And here is a rejection I got on the same manuscript, revised BEFORE I got the above critique, and retitled:
 
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Dear Jessica,
Thank you for participating in the Love Inspired Suspense Fast Track and submitting BETRAYED, but I don’t feel like this project is right for LIS. While I think the idea of setting this story in the trucking world is interesting, your heroine came off as unlikeable. Our readers want a heroine they can relate too, and P.K. is much too combative. I’m sorry I don’t have better news for you. I recommend reading some of our books to get a better feel for the Love Inspired tone. We appreciate your submission and wish you the best of luck in your writing.
All the best,
Emily Brown
Editorial Assistant
Love Inspired Suspense
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Holiday Deaths

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I always feel sad about deaths during the holidays. My dad passed away on Dec, 2, 2000, and of course, it affected our Christmas–especially since his birthday was Dec. 23rd. Even though I think of him every day, every holiday season I especially remember him. I always tried to buy him more gifts than he really needed just because I thought, since he was a Christmas baby, he got cheated on birthday gifts.

This Thanksgiving, three of my favorites passed away. I’ve always been a Zig Ziglar fan. I have a few of his books and admired his words of wisdom, his positive way of looking at life, and his encouragement.

As Ziglar put it, “Lack of direction, not lack of time, is the problem. We all have twenty-four hour days.”

He challenged people to think creatively and outside the box.

I’ve blogged before about my favorite bad guy–Larry Hagman. I watched him in the popular TV sitcom I Dream of Jeannie long before he became J.R. Ewing. Daughter and I were stunned to hear of his death during Thanksgiving. We watched the new Dallas and we were looking forward to the next season. We marveled at how J.R. Ewing never changed; he was just as mean and conniving as always. I guess we thought J.R. would live forever. We often form opinions about movie stars based on what we see on TV or read in the newspapers. I think Hagman was pretty quirky in real life, but he was married to the same woman for 59 years. As far as I’m concerned, that man deserves a gold star! Dallas won’t be the same without J.R. Ewing and they sure better not try to replace him–the way they did Ms. Ellie!

Deborah Raffin became a fav of mine when I watched her in Once is Not Enough, a movie based on the best selling book by Jacqueline Susann. She played January Wayne, a young woman who goes from poor-little-rich-girl to tragic heroine, as she searches New York and Los Angeles for a man just like her father, Mike Wayne, a glamorous movie producer. Love, love, love the drama! What I didn’t know about Deborah Raffin was that she and her husband launched Dove Books-on-Tape in the mid-1980s. The company’s first best-seller was Stephen Hawking’s opus on the cosmos entitle d “A Brief History of Time.” 

Are you familiar with any of these people? Did they influence you in some way? When you think about it, TV personalities are a study in characterization. Comments?

Thought for the Day:

“Even in tragedy, God through His word offers hope for those who seek and believe. It starts with the promise of a better tomorrow, of life everlasting, of eternal peace. It’s called faith, and it offers hope where none existed.” – Zig Ziglar

Post Thanksgiving

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Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. Things have been hectic at my house. My laptop has been on life-support so I’ve been using hubby’s. I haven’t wanted to do too much surfing with his.

My step-son came in from Denver with his fiance’ (dressed in black) and our daughter (in green) came in from Lafayette. Since I was already in Lake Charles because of the BWG conference, hubby came in from Yukon. Then like a whirl wind, we all went our separate ways. Yesterday hubby and I drove the 10 hours back to OK in two separate cars. Not fun.

I think I’m too old for hectic!

I’ll post more later. Just wanted everyone to know I’m still kicking and wondering about your Thanksgiving, your NaNoWrMo, your latest writing project.

Let me hear from you.

An Interview with ME!

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I love romantic comedies. Last night I watched You’ve Got Mail for the 100th time, laughing and smiling at all my favorite lines.

And today I feel like Greg Kinnear who played Frank, a columnist, who, with a cheesy grin, fawned over his own work.

My friend Jeuron Dove interviewed me for his blog. You can read it here, and picture me with my cheesy grin. Glad you can’t see me.

We’d love for you to leave a comment!

Good News Galore

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There’s so much to tell you, I don’t know where to start so I think I’ll list in linear fashion.

If you read my previous post, you know that I received a blog critique from marketing consultant, Laura Barnes. I was really nervous about it because I’ve never considered my posts or my blog very professional. Most of the time, I feel like a whiner. Laura gave me a great critique with some wonderful suggestions. I’ve put some of them into action. Read what she had to say and feel free to make a few suggestions of your own. For info on how to submit your blog for her critique, go here.

 

Second, I spoke at the BWG conference. I even had print copies of Hearts, Hearths & Holidays. What fun to have a book to sign. Three people who’ve read my story, A Child Was Born, said I made them cry. That was exactly what I’d hoped to achieve but thought I’d missed the mark. Even now, I keep rewriting in my head. Anyway, I took twelve books and sold six.

Author/Editor Linda Yezak & Jess

I was the second speaker, and so glad to get it over with so I could relax and listen to the others.  Honestly, I loved speaking. I always do–even though it’s scary when I first look out among all those faces staring back at me. What do they need? What do they want? How can I help? I wish I could get each and every one of them motivated to write daily, research markets, sell. No matter how much we share and teach, it’s really up to them. And basically, that’s what I told them. They have to make up their minds to grab their dream. My title was: The Power of the Made Up Mind.

After the conference, I checked email on my B’berry and had a message from an editor who wrote:

“The committee has completed the evaluation of your story, Peace of Heart. And, I’m very pleased to say that they have allowed me to offer you a contract. Congratulations!

If you accept …”

IF I accept? Really!

That’s my good news. I’ve signed a contract with The Wild Rose Press and I’m looking forward to making the editorial changes, seeing my cover, and sharing the happenings and happiness with you.
More later.

Blog Critiques, Anyone?

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Laura Barnes of Laura B. Writer gives blog critiques from a marketing perspective with the help of two graphic designers. She has great insight and gives very helpful suggestions about how to make a blog more appealing to readers.  November 12th — it’s my turn to be critiqued.
 
For info on how to submit your blog for her critique, go here.
 
I decided to get a blog critique because it’s time to look more professional. I’m sure Laura’s suggestions will point me in that direction.
 
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I wanted to post info about the writer’s conference w/pictures, but I can”t get my pics to load on hubby’s laptop. Remember? Mine is in the shop. I hope my techie man can save it–I’ll let you know tomorrow.
 
I had the best time speaking to BWG. And I have some great news to share … later!
 
 

A Funny Thing Happened: I’m A Speaker

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Visit the IWSG to read great blogs!
Funny thing happened last weekend while I was scrambling eggs. My cell rang—rather, it went into the Garth Brooks Calling Baton Rougesummons. I clicked. On the other end was a Bayou Writers’ Group board member asking if I would replace one of their conference speakers who had to cancel. I said no. I always say no when I’m hit with something totally unexpected. I have to think about things—or be talked into things. I have to roll the beginning, the middle, the end around in my mind. I have to play it out—the good, the bad and the ugly. After listening to my hubby tell me all the reasons I should—quoting me back to me in some cases—I called them back and accepted.

I haven’t slept since.

I have a sore throat.

I wheeze.

My chest feels like an elephant … well, you’ve seen that commercial.

It has been two years since I’ve stood in front of a group of writers and offered encouragement.  I’m not in that “place” anymore—if you know what I mean.

I’m still working on my talk. Well, I have a title. I keep visualizing my audience: all writers. New and experienced. Such a wide gap between the new writer and the experienced writer; between the literary writer and the romance writer. Often our needs are so different. Sure, we have a lot in common, but really, what do we have in common?

Fear?   Insecurity?  Procrastination?

Maybe not.  I’m bringing to mind several attendees who show no fear, who write with confidence and don’t have an ounce of insecurity—at least, they don’t let it show.

My talk is called The Power of The Made Up Mind. Doesn’t that say it all?
But what next?

I have a feeling I’m going to be the kind of speaker I hate; the one that gives a good title but a talk that has nothing to do with it. Ever wander into one of those sessions? I have—too many times.

Maybe I’ll just speak into the microphone: “Hubby says our conference—all writers’ meetings—should be held in graveyards so we’ll write with the end in sight. Now go home and pretend you have a death sentence.”

Inspiring?

Think of me on Saturday. If I don’t lose my voice, I’ll be standing tall with Poet StellaNesanovich; Literary Agent Brooks Sherman; Linda Yezak, Acquisitions editor of Port Yonder Press; Mona Lisa Saloy, author and folklorist, and my personal hero– freelance writing expert, Hope Clark, founder of Funds for Writers and author of Lowcountry Bribe.

I’ll speak at 9:10 for 50 minutes. ACK!  I feel my throat closing.

Tell me what you appreciate when hearing conference speakers–and tell me what drives you bananas!

Hearts, Hearths & Holidays – AVAILABLE!

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My short story, A Child Was Born,  published in the Seasons of Love anthology series called Hearts, Hearths & Holidays is now AVAILABLE! Thank you, Cajunflair Publishing!

Okay, I’m excited. In fact, I think I’m more excited about this short story than I was when my first, my one and only book, came out way back in 1996. The difference? By the time I sold my book, received the contract and signed it, revised according to editorial suggestions, prepared the fact sheet, waited … waited … waited … the excitement had ended. And remember, I wrote it, moved to another state, sold it, moved to another town, revised it, moved. It came out while I lived in Lake Charles, Louisiana where I had my first speaking engagement and my first book signing.  Book signings are scary. No, for me they’re traumatic. I feel as if I’m sitting on hind legs waiting for someone to toss me a doggie treat.  Yes, I signed my book with friends. Still, not fun. Maybe it’s just me. A down side to selling category romance back then was that the books were only in stores for a few weeks–then they were gone forever. Now, of course, all books are going digital.

Writing my short story, A Child Was Born, was fun. I love my characters. I love all the little girls–even the ones with no names. I’m proud of it. I’m not saying it couldn’t be better. In my mind, I keep thinking of things I should have added, fleshed out, even things I should change. I suppose that’s the way it is with all writers; we always second guess ourselves and have a difficult time letting go.

If you decide to purchase our Christmas anthology, you can get it from Barnes and Noble or from Amazon. In the near future, it will be available in print. Look it over. Check out the other authors–they have track records!

Natural Disasters and Other Depressing Happenings

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When I look around at what’s happening in the world, I could dig a hole and crawl inside, pull the dirt in on me. So easy to get discouraged when I fill my head with election lies, natural disasters, needless deaths, the Benghazi scandal, man-made disasters, thoughts of hurting people and of course, what I consider stupid laws.

Oklahoma’s open-carry law went into effect today. I don’t understand it. We buy the local newspapers. We know what’s going on around here. Honestly, I can’t imagine going into a restaurant and sharing lunch with a bunch of gun-toting citizens that don’t have the same values, up-bringing, life concerns that I have. How do I know they won’t get angry at their waiter and start shooting? I don’t! And frankly, I don’t have that much hope and faith in my fellow man. No offense.

The world is certainly changing. Since I have a tendency to hole up within the safety of my own four walls with laptop in hand, most of what I see on TV and read in the papers reinforces my hermit-like behavior. Unfortunately … my computer crashed. I’ve borrowed hubby’s laptop for the time being. Mine won’t go to its computer doctor until next week when I head back to Louisiana for a conference. (In case you’re wondering, I did find a repair shop here in Yukon but the guy said he’d have to mail it off if he couldn’t fix it. Not an option. Do it all or do none.)

Yesterday, I pecked out the beginnings of a new story on my cell phone. Tedious typing! I had such high hopes for NaNoWrMo this year. {{sigh}} Do I dare attempt it?

I know some of you must have good news to share–nothing like this downer of a post, so let me hear from you. Have you sold a book? A short story? Learned something at a conference worth sharing? Let’s hear it!

Beyond The Storm by Carolyn Zane

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I don’t read books that deal with natural disasters. No hurricane books. No crashing hotel books. No books about epidemics that ravage a country. I don’t read about airplane crashes either. I was a little surprised at myself for requesting this book–especially now that I’m living in Oklahoma where tornados are common. Of course, the only reason I did is because I’ve read Carolyn Zane. She’s an excellent storyteller. In fact, I challenge you to find a bad Zane book. Carolyn did an excellent job building tension. Every page I turned increased my anxiety. I read, I laughed, I cried, I constantly battled a heavy chest and a knot in my throat. Read more about her at the Christian Fiction Writers Magazine.

There was only one scene in the book that caused me concern. I thought, “Oh, how convenient was that!” SPOILER ALERT! Zane used a homeless man who happens to be a doctor to deliver a baby. I have to admit, when I bring Beyond The Storm back to mind–as I often do–I’ve grumbled at this particular scene, but guess what: It’s not too much of a stretch after all.  Take a look at this article.

By the time you finish Beyond The Storm, you’ll be wishing you knew these people. I can promise, you’ll yearn to be part of Selma’s make-shift family, sitting at her dining table, listening to her words of love and wisdom. And you’ll definitely want to learn to quilt!

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This week, the
Christian Fiction Blog Alliance
is introducing
Beyond the Storm
Abingdon Press (October 2012)
by
Carolyn Zane

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Author of 35 books, wife, mother and yes…hot (flasher) lives with her fabulous husband, Matt and their 5 children and 3 dogs in the scenic Willamette Valley in Oregon. When asked to describe her family, Carolyn likens her crowd to the Brangelia Bunch saying modestly, “Only we’re better looking.” Right now,Carolyn is back in the saddle with her new title: Beyond The Storm, coming out in October 2012! In the mean time, be sure to catch her on the critically acclaimed TOOHOTMAMAS Blog where Carolyn and Wendy tackle Marriage, motherhood and menopause: How to do all three and stay out of prison! They are hilarious! You’ll wet yourself, guaranteed! Visit them at: www.toohotmamas.wordpress.com.

ABOUT THE BOOK

After a tornado rips through her town, store owner Abigail comes across a piece of fabric from a wedding dress among the devastation. Abigail is moved to start collecting other swatches of fabric she finds – her neighbor’s kitchen curtains, a man’s necktie, a dog’s bed – which she stashes in shopping bags. As she pursues her seemingly absurd quest, horrible realities spark the question, “What kind of a God would allow such tragedy?”

As she struggles to reconcile her right to happiness amidst the destruction, Abigail begins piecing together a patchwork quilt from the salvaged fabric in hopes it will bring some peace. But a new relationship with Justin, a contractor, may require too much of her fragile heart. Will her pain and questions of faith give way to the courage to love?

If you would like to read the first chapter of Beyond the Storm, go HERE.